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A Song of Destruction
A Song of Destruction is the last book in the Stale Testament of the Tasty Bible, and resumes the events of the present day last mentioned in The Book of Good Times. Content A Song of Destruction 1''' 1. Back in his throne room, Greg finished the Real Story of his journey into the heart of darkness and said, "I remember that story as if it was yesterday." 2. The scribe, confused, reminded Greg that all of that had in fact taken place the day before. 3. Greg pondered this for a moment, then realized a plot hole in his tale. 4. "Wait a garsh-dorn diggity dog minute... when I met God Himself in the Outlands, He mentioned the game of checkers that's taking place right now. WHAT THE FUCK!" Greg exclaimed. 5. The scribe stated that Greg should consult Max, the holy fact checker, to get this mess straightened out. 6. "You're damn right, Mr. Scribe! You've bought yourself another 24 hours of life," Greg agreed. 7. Greg packed the four food groups (beans, bacon, whiskey, and lard) into a carry-on bag and conjured a portal to FoShizzle, which he promptly fell into after tripping over his dog Nate. 8. And it came to pass that Greg and Max had a merry sit-down with sweet tea and Japanese twins galore. 9. After the timeline had been ironed out, Greg prepared to bid the minion a good day, then thought to stop in on the Papa Bear. 10. Max stated that this was impossible, as his master was away on business, preparing to oversee the second annihilation of the known universe. 11. "Bullll-SHIT!" Greg bellowed. 12. "But you can't leave yet!" Max replied. "There are kids here waiting to tell you what they want for Christmas." He handed Greg a Santa suit. 13. Greg refused at first, but then saw the line of young boys and girls with gleeful looks on their faces. His heart melted. 14. "Suffer the little children. Bring them unto me," said The Mighty Tater. '''2 1. Meanwhile, Gates and Boone were wrapping up their stay at the Communion of Wine and Whatnot, determined to reach the 1sland and give that crotchety Scotch-Irish deity a peace of their minds. 2. Upon arriving, they were put on a wait-list for several hours, during which they played many a game of Magic. 3. It was about that time that Greg returned, and with a mighty wiff he smelt the ink of Magic cards, and was filled with a righteous anger. 4. "I have fury!" he hollered, and charged into the midst of the waiting people to tear them asunder. 5. After heads began to roll, Gates looked up to find the Great Brute charging straight for him. 6. "I'm here to spread holiday cheer!" thundered Greg as he smashed Gates with his right hand and Boone with his left, sending them both flying 112 feet. 7. Spitting out a few teeth, Boone proceeded to use a Dragonshout that caused Greg to freeze in a block of ice. 8. "No longer will you reign terror over this great land, you fiend!" Boone declared, and walked toward Greg to deal a final blow. 9. Greg simply broke out of the ice and grabbed Boone in his maw, then flung him off the 1sland. 10. Greg then readied himself to stomp Gates into mashed potatoes when a massive explosion rocked the 1sland. 11. Cats and dogs rained from the ceiling as the palace began to fall apart around them. 12. The Frankinator then showed up from somewhere, wielding his wooden axe that could somehow conduct electricity, and came straight for the Slender One. 13. Defenseless, Greg said, "Well, I'm outta here boys," then went on an interdimensional jump powered by gets-there-before-he-goes technology. 14. The Frankinator chortled a great laugh and went on to rip the universe apart like so many sheets of toilet paper. 3''' 1. "How the hell could this have happened?" Greg said to himself. 2. He had been slipping up, getting distracted too easily by recent events to properly maintain the existence of reality. 3. He would need to enlist the help of the multi-gods and attain coexistence with space and time. 4. Just thinking about all this stuff made his head throb, so he took a few Advil and sought the pantheon. 5. And on that day Greg did ask unto the great Gaben for assistance, and he replied, "Let there be Steam sales 50-75% off," and saw that it was good. 6. Then Greg spent 100,000 minutes in silent meditation following the heed of the mystic Meher Baba. 7. He later served under the tutelage of Tyler, the Creator, learning the craft of music. 8. He also traveled a metaphysical distance to the abode of Odin, PRAISE BE UPON HIM, where Greg discovered ultimate power and a Scandinavian recipe for cooked duck. 9. After a good long while, Greg's body was ready to confront the Frankinator. 10. He looked upon the remains of the universe, and saw that his enemy had created a Fo-verse in its wake, filled with any number of hellish things brought into being by sleep deprivation. 11. So he gathered the many demigods before him and said, "I am become Maxus Gregor, destroyer of worlds." 12. He then commandeth a pillar of fire to rain from the clouds and consume the multitude gathered before him. '''4 1. The AllFather went forth into the world to kick ass. 2. He stumbled upon the Everlasting Bloodthirsty Ribcage, to which he said, "You are big! Therefore you have big guts!" 3. And Greg decimated the abomination with his bear hands and it brought him pleasure. 4. He then reached into the fabric of the Fo-verse and gave it a strong ruffle, revealing a Babylonian Satanic Crab/Crustacean. 4. The beast swatted at him, but Greg guffawed heartily and said, "Bow before your lord and father Dick Cheney!" 5. He proceeded to karate-chop the crap out of that thing. 6. Greg then noticed he was surrounded by the Legion of Larceny, a fascist group under the personal command of The Frankinator. 7. "Twenty-five hundred men, and I'm not gonna take their shit!" Greg roared. 8. He roundhouse kicked, punched, ripped and tore, and chewed through their numbers in record time. 9. And at last Greg had defeated the forces of Death that stood between he and his quarry. 10. Greg strode right up to the big Frankinating lug, who said, "Regards bringing millions one at barcode realizes the traditional left-handed limp jaw." 11. Greg answered, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" 12. Greg lunged at the FoDiety, but was deflected by his wooden axe. 13. The Frankinator then picked up Greg and kicked him with his left foot into the transcendental outer realms. 14. Greg cried out in anguish, "I'm gonna lay down while I die." 15. Foiled again, Greg decided he would need something more to regain control of his universe. 5''' 1. Greg gathered nether rack and glowstone, and in 7 hours he created the Old Machines. 2. These he sent out to reap and cleanse the Fo-verse. 3. The Hail Razor then summoned the flamboyant wizard Gandalf the Gay, whose magic allowed Greg to shed his Outer Form to unlock the power of the slender Indian man inside. 4. Gandalf told the Slender One he hoped it was "worth the weight" and then went off to perform useless tasks as he always does when someone is in dire need of his help. 5. And the Slender One departed to the lair of the Frankinator, from which loud complaints about how much life sucked emanated. 6. The Tank's musical cue playing behind him, the AllFather pointed at himself and yelled, "They call me Poon-Smasher!" 7. He rammed his Mighty Manos through the eight rows of teeth in the FoDiety's mouth and grabbed the shreddings of Shizzle from within those dark lungs, yanking them out with a good ole heave. 8. Astonished, the Frankinator wailed, "I haven't slept in 3 years! I just wanted some peace and quiet!" 9. The AllFather boomed, "Your tired mind has unleashed great evils upon my domain. I cast you back into the hellish pit of molten cookie dough from whence you came!" 10. The Frankinator replied, "I'm ready for ascension! Take me to your kingdom of torture!" 11. So the PapaDeTodos assembled forth the Old Machines, having completed their task of tidying up the Fo-verse, and together they banished the Frankinator, now back to his Papa Bear form, into the constellation the Cow's Udder. 12. The Slender One then laid untold megatons of TNT throughout the Fo-verse and blew it all to high hell whilst saying, "make-a a big a-boom". 13. To this day, this cataclysmic event is known as the Destruction of Everthing. '''6 1. With the universe having been destroyed twice within two days, the AllGods were pretty tuckered out. 2. They said to the Slender One, "Look man, you've gotta fix this. We're gonna need you to re-create Shizzle." 3. The Slender One reverted to his Outer Form, then pulled his pants up high and said, "As long as I get my chicken and dumplings." 4. He performed a space opera, dancing with the birds and even doing the Flamingo with a cassowary. 5. It is from his beautiful songs that Greg formed the universe once more, and finally set everything in stone with an intergalactic Truffle Shuffle. 6. He went on to make seven eggs from his own ass, and from these hatched the Great Lands. 7. Looking upon his work, Greg was pleased and had a big shit-eating grin on his face. 8. The events of Shizzle's history would hence forth transpire again in a grand cycle continuing for time eternal. 9. Out beyond the reaches of the cosmos, the jimmies rustled softly. 7''' 1. Gates and Boone awoke on the floor of the 1sland palace with a start. 2. Boone rubbed his aching head, wondering why he felt as though he had been smashed to bits. 3. Greg descended from the heavens and told him that he had in fact been smashed to bits. 4. He explained the events of the past days to Boone and Gates, and how the timeline had re-started. 5. "But why are we here now if things are re-starting?" they asked. 6. Gregor answered matter-of-factly "I have decided to forgive all previous debts and keep you in your present state, if you two will help to transcribe a record of recent happenings. It shall be called..." 7. Greg thought for a few thousand moments. "The Tasty Bible! Oh, and you guys get new names too, since you'll be serving in my holy food court. Boone, from this day on you shall be known as Whatch ya'Doin, and Gates will be called Im Walkinhere." 8. He chuckled to himself at this pun, then realized he was in a naming mood. 9. He went down to a village of folk known as the Jammonites, and grabbed the first person he saw in town. 10. "I hereby christen this villager Took-Took, and his house shall be called the Blast Fortress," Greg declared. He leaned in to whisper in the man's ear, "Make sure you have some real good house insurance, buddy. You'll need it." 11. Greg then went into the town square and pointed at a random cow, stating, "This here will be Boris the Mooshroom." 12. And when the people saw Greg, they fell down and worshiped him. '''8 1. There was a time of unprecedented peace in the land of Shizzle. 2. Greg had only murdered 30 people that day, when he nuked a neighborhood of Testificates. 3. After spending some time getting to know his realm again, Greg returned to the 1sland, this time on horseback instead of "getting-there-before-he-went". 4. He flopped down in his throne and said, "JFK and I just got back from KFC. God, I love me some JFK." 5. Im Walkinhere came over to greet his master. 5. "Sire, we have begun work on the Tasty Bible. We have decided to call the first part 'The Book of Greg'". 6. Ecstatic, Greg exclaimed, "Huzzah!" and cast a fire bolt into the ceiling. 7. Looking back on his week, Greg was a might bit pleased. He had defeated the fascist hordes, saved the universe by the skin of his teeth, and then re-built it from the ground up. 8. He went out into the Great Beyond once more, and Greg and Buddha rode off into the sunset on the back of Chewbacca's squirrel, playing a belly-drum song as they went. 9. May the Celtic blessings of the AllFather be with you all. 10. PRAISE. The Cycle Begins The Book of Greg